It All Just.....Clicked!!!!!

To start off this monumental blog, i need to make a confession. I have changed a lot here in Mexico, and frankly i was very scared and worried about coming home as this new person.

I was afraid it would be hard for my friends to get used to this new me. I was afraid that the changes i want to make in my relationships with my sisters would shock them. I was afraid that the amount of maturity i have gained here would make it difficult for me to be around people my own age. I was afraid that no one would understand exactly what i have been through in these last 8 months, and so i would be very alone.

But all those fears are gone now.

I have been praying now, for several weeks, as my time of departure draws closer and closer by the minute that God would give me peace about going home. That he would give me some sort of sign that it was alright, because up until Sunday morning, i still felt like i wasn't supposed to go home yet. I was really sad about leaving and crying out to God for some form of comfort, something to show me that it was going to be alright. I got that comfort in church on Sunday morning during the sermon.

Pastor Andres, an incredibly gifted preacher who has figured out how to almost bring me to tears in one way or another almost every week, started the sermon speaking about children finding their own feet, so to speak, in religion, rather than following those of their parents. He talked about making religion your own instead of just accepting the faith of your parents but not REALLY believing. I was prepared for this to be another one of "these kind" of sermons, i have heard them all my life, and finally started listening 3 years ago in Nepal. It was there that i made a commitment to God that my relationship with him was mine, and not just a copy of my parents' relationship with him. But then Andres took the sermon in a whole different direction that blew my mind forwards, backwards, to both sides, AND upside down!!!!!

He began by talking about Joseph and what the Bible says about his life. He used verses to show that a lot of the things that happened to Joseph when he was young, he perceived as giving the glory to himself. He thought he could do everything by himself, and God was waiting for the day when he would break and say, "I can't do this anymore, i need help!!!" That day, obviously, came when he was sold by his brother and taken to egypt. Andres used Genesis 39 to talk about how Joseph worked in Potapher's house and because GOD WAS WITH HIM, he was promoted to his high status in that household. Then Andres talked about how Joseph had to be in a different place, where he didn't feel like he had control, to figure out that God had had control over everything that had happened to him the entire time. It took getting away, and going to not the most ideal place, to get him where he needed to be spiritually.

I literally almost burst into tears, because in that moment...everything clicked.

I realized that i have been in Potapher's house. i have been in a place foreign to me, where life hasn't been easy and i have been trying to do things on my own, when God has been doing everything and paving the way for me the entire time. I am in my Potapher's house right now, and it is EXACTLY what i needed to have and where i needed to be in order to reach the level of spirituality God desires for me at this point in my life.

I have been praying that God would help me reflect and kind of see what he has been teaching me, and i saw all of it in that moment. I realized how much i have changed. How i have learned how to live with difficult people. how i have learned to love in new ways. How i have learned to anchor every aspect of my life with prayer. How i have learned that i can do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING without Christ. As i wrote in one of my first blogs, that has been the biggest battle i have had to fight here. Every time i think i have FINALLY learned that lesson, i start feeling strong again and i decide that i can do something on my own, and i get knocked down even harder than the last time. But God has finally picked me up, and i'm glad, because i can barely stand from being knocked to the earth over, and over, and over again. Scarred, dirty, beaten and bruised, but being lifted up anew, and happier than i was before all of this even began.

In that moment i cast a thanks like none i have ever said before, up to God for giving me the peace about how i have changed. I thought,"this is the sign, not as big as i was hoping, but big enough for me to recognize it and big enough for me to begin to have peace about going home." But God wasn't done with me yet!!!

Then pastor Andres started talking about transformation of our spiritual lives, how we move from one level to the next, constantly growing. He used the illustration of a baseball diamond to talk about the 4 "levels" of change we have.

(This is obviously a translated version since the entire church service is in Spanish, but you get the idea. He didn't go into a lot of detail, just the basics, so the stuff down below is a mixture of his explanations and my additions to those explanations.)

He said we start at home, where we are comfortable, and we learn to depend on things. We are taught to depend on God, but we end up depending on ourselves. We meet God, and learn about his purpose for us, and his power, and are still stupid enough to think we can do everything on our own. I was definitely here when i came to Mexico, stupid enough to think i could do everything on my own. But after getting knocked down again, and again, i learned my lesson.

Then with our "new-found faith"we move to first base, where we learn about His unfailing love for us. As we learn about it we try to change our character to love more like him. I have definitely learned so much more about myself as a person here, and it shocks me. I have found some of the most incredible friendships i have ever had in my life, and also discovered a new way to love people that i never could have learned at home.

Then, with our hearts full we proceed to second base, where we learn how to share how we have changed spiritually with the community around us. We open up to share what we have learned about Christ with those we love. I have learned here how to be a better part of a working community. How to contribute, how to back down when i'm not in my place, and how to take constructive criticism (which if you know me well, you know has been a lesson that i have needed for a LONG time!!!) I have also had the opportunity to share numerous times here about my faith and hope that it is making an impact on the people around me.


Then, after learning what we have needed to learn in this "round" we move on to third base. There we see the results of how God has changed our life in this "run." We reflect and see the new capacities he has given us through our deepened knowledge and understanding of him. I am here right now, soaking in everything God has taught me over these last 8 months. Marveling at how on earth i couldn't see it before now, how much god has done for me, how many times he has been with me here even though i thought i could do things on my own. I feel the presence of the capability to come home and be this changed person, a better person, and to begin my life a new AS this person.


And when we have learned all that in our Potapher's house, it's time for us to
Go
Back
Home.

It's time. Time for me to use everything i have learned and experienced here to go home and start living the rest of my life!!!! To live every day at home filled with love and prayer as i have lived every day here. To never forget what has happened here, and to hold every smile, every joke, every tear, every heart and every moment in my heart forever.

Pastor Andres ended with a question, and then a way to help us answer the question.

He asked us, "now, where are you going?" and then he said, "and wherever you are going, have the power of God with you."

I started crying and thought:

I'm going home, and God, and his unmatchable, unquestionable, indescribable power, is coming with me.