It All Just.....Clicked!!!!!

To start off this monumental blog, i need to make a confession. I have changed a lot here in Mexico, and frankly i was very scared and worried about coming home as this new person.

I was afraid it would be hard for my friends to get used to this new me. I was afraid that the changes i want to make in my relationships with my sisters would shock them. I was afraid that the amount of maturity i have gained here would make it difficult for me to be around people my own age. I was afraid that no one would understand exactly what i have been through in these last 8 months, and so i would be very alone.

But all those fears are gone now.

I have been praying now, for several weeks, as my time of departure draws closer and closer by the minute that God would give me peace about going home. That he would give me some sort of sign that it was alright, because up until Sunday morning, i still felt like i wasn't supposed to go home yet. I was really sad about leaving and crying out to God for some form of comfort, something to show me that it was going to be alright. I got that comfort in church on Sunday morning during the sermon.

Pastor Andres, an incredibly gifted preacher who has figured out how to almost bring me to tears in one way or another almost every week, started the sermon speaking about children finding their own feet, so to speak, in religion, rather than following those of their parents. He talked about making religion your own instead of just accepting the faith of your parents but not REALLY believing. I was prepared for this to be another one of "these kind" of sermons, i have heard them all my life, and finally started listening 3 years ago in Nepal. It was there that i made a commitment to God that my relationship with him was mine, and not just a copy of my parents' relationship with him. But then Andres took the sermon in a whole different direction that blew my mind forwards, backwards, to both sides, AND upside down!!!!!

He began by talking about Joseph and what the Bible says about his life. He used verses to show that a lot of the things that happened to Joseph when he was young, he perceived as giving the glory to himself. He thought he could do everything by himself, and God was waiting for the day when he would break and say, "I can't do this anymore, i need help!!!" That day, obviously, came when he was sold by his brother and taken to egypt. Andres used Genesis 39 to talk about how Joseph worked in Potapher's house and because GOD WAS WITH HIM, he was promoted to his high status in that household. Then Andres talked about how Joseph had to be in a different place, where he didn't feel like he had control, to figure out that God had had control over everything that had happened to him the entire time. It took getting away, and going to not the most ideal place, to get him where he needed to be spiritually.

I literally almost burst into tears, because in that moment...everything clicked.

I realized that i have been in Potapher's house. i have been in a place foreign to me, where life hasn't been easy and i have been trying to do things on my own, when God has been doing everything and paving the way for me the entire time. I am in my Potapher's house right now, and it is EXACTLY what i needed to have and where i needed to be in order to reach the level of spirituality God desires for me at this point in my life.

I have been praying that God would help me reflect and kind of see what he has been teaching me, and i saw all of it in that moment. I realized how much i have changed. How i have learned how to live with difficult people. how i have learned to love in new ways. How i have learned to anchor every aspect of my life with prayer. How i have learned that i can do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING without Christ. As i wrote in one of my first blogs, that has been the biggest battle i have had to fight here. Every time i think i have FINALLY learned that lesson, i start feeling strong again and i decide that i can do something on my own, and i get knocked down even harder than the last time. But God has finally picked me up, and i'm glad, because i can barely stand from being knocked to the earth over, and over, and over again. Scarred, dirty, beaten and bruised, but being lifted up anew, and happier than i was before all of this even began.

In that moment i cast a thanks like none i have ever said before, up to God for giving me the peace about how i have changed. I thought,"this is the sign, not as big as i was hoping, but big enough for me to recognize it and big enough for me to begin to have peace about going home." But God wasn't done with me yet!!!

Then pastor Andres started talking about transformation of our spiritual lives, how we move from one level to the next, constantly growing. He used the illustration of a baseball diamond to talk about the 4 "levels" of change we have.

(This is obviously a translated version since the entire church service is in Spanish, but you get the idea. He didn't go into a lot of detail, just the basics, so the stuff down below is a mixture of his explanations and my additions to those explanations.)

He said we start at home, where we are comfortable, and we learn to depend on things. We are taught to depend on God, but we end up depending on ourselves. We meet God, and learn about his purpose for us, and his power, and are still stupid enough to think we can do everything on our own. I was definitely here when i came to Mexico, stupid enough to think i could do everything on my own. But after getting knocked down again, and again, i learned my lesson.

Then with our "new-found faith"we move to first base, where we learn about His unfailing love for us. As we learn about it we try to change our character to love more like him. I have definitely learned so much more about myself as a person here, and it shocks me. I have found some of the most incredible friendships i have ever had in my life, and also discovered a new way to love people that i never could have learned at home.

Then, with our hearts full we proceed to second base, where we learn how to share how we have changed spiritually with the community around us. We open up to share what we have learned about Christ with those we love. I have learned here how to be a better part of a working community. How to contribute, how to back down when i'm not in my place, and how to take constructive criticism (which if you know me well, you know has been a lesson that i have needed for a LONG time!!!) I have also had the opportunity to share numerous times here about my faith and hope that it is making an impact on the people around me.


Then, after learning what we have needed to learn in this "round" we move on to third base. There we see the results of how God has changed our life in this "run." We reflect and see the new capacities he has given us through our deepened knowledge and understanding of him. I am here right now, soaking in everything God has taught me over these last 8 months. Marveling at how on earth i couldn't see it before now, how much god has done for me, how many times he has been with me here even though i thought i could do things on my own. I feel the presence of the capability to come home and be this changed person, a better person, and to begin my life a new AS this person.


And when we have learned all that in our Potapher's house, it's time for us to
Go
Back
Home.

It's time. Time for me to use everything i have learned and experienced here to go home and start living the rest of my life!!!! To live every day at home filled with love and prayer as i have lived every day here. To never forget what has happened here, and to hold every smile, every joke, every tear, every heart and every moment in my heart forever.

Pastor Andres ended with a question, and then a way to help us answer the question.

He asked us, "now, where are you going?" and then he said, "and wherever you are going, have the power of God with you."

I started crying and thought:

I'm going home, and God, and his unmatchable, unquestionable, indescribable power, is coming with me.

Amor de Amistad (Love of Friendship)

Every year, Valentines Day has been a curse in my life. A day set aside in the year to shove it in my face and then rub some dirt in it that i'm single. Normally, it's the only day of the year i wish i wasn't single, but it still hurts, and each year it hurts a little more. My parents have always done a good job of helping us look at family love on Valentines Day, but even that can't take away the sting of seeing so many people around me so happy in their relationships.

I was kind of dreading this day in Mexico, because here, my family wouldn't even be here to share their love with me. But i decided to put my best foot forward and try to make my first Valentines Day in Mexico very memorable. I had no idea then how much God was going to bless me that day!!!!!!!!!!

My morning was spent shopping and baking. February 14th, a day that i used to hate, is the birthday of my incredible best friend in Morelia, Luis, so i was baking for the party we were having for him, and 2 more of my students who also had birthdays in February.  I was also shopping for a present for Luis, ingredients, and 3 mini cakes to smash in the faces of my three students with birthdays (crazy and often rather violent Mexican tradition that i happen to love).  Both the apple pies and the brownies turned out great and i went to NOE a very happy person.  When i got there i played basketball with some friends because only 2 of the girls on the basketball team decided to show up for practice.

After that it was time for class. Everyone put the food they had bought or prepared in the middle of the table and we had a feast while we wrote little Valentines cards to each other. In the midst of all of it i was surprised at how happy i was. Then it began to dawn on me why i was so happy:

In the states, Valentines Day is centered around those who are in relationships. And if you aren't in a relationship, Valentines Day sucks. But here in Mexico it is different. The day is named Amor de Amistad, or love of friendship. This means that it is just as normal for people to give presents to their friends, as it is to give a present to your boyfriend or girlfriend. Here it's not a day that points the finger and says, "ha you're single!" It's a day that celebrates romantic love, but also the unbreakable, and incredible kind of love that exists among friends. Upon that realization i was perfectly happy to end my day and go home having my first fun Valentines Day in my memory. But i had a lot more in store!!!!!

At the end of the party we proceeded to put all 3 of the guys faces in their cakes at the same time. It worked beautifully, but turned to chaos when Luis turned around, picked up the plate of cake, and pushed it into my face. As soon as that happened, all hell broke loose. Cake flew, people screamed, jumped on chairs and tables to get away, and after a few minutes we all stopped to look at each other covered in cake and frosting, but even the ones who got hit the hardest were no match for the mess that the classroom was. We spent the next hour laughing and getting cleaned up. I had cake everywhere on my clothes and in over half of my hair, so one of my students took me home to get cleaned up. when i was ready, we went and got another friend and then went back to my students house to watch a movie.

People started coming to join us with the movie and that was completely normal, but then 3 brothers who never do stuff with us showed up at the door with guitars in hand. Over the next hour 7 of the guys, with a guitar for each of them, practiced the songs they were going to sing in a serenade for select girls from NOE and their schools. We walked off into the night to begin. It was adorable, hearing them sing and seeing the faces of the girls light up like the fourth of July when they came to the door hearing "(insert name here) your name is a poem of love, your eyes are the lights of the sky, and your lips the foam of the sea." (IT SOUNDS EVEN CUTER IN SPANISH!!!!!) After the first house i was informed that i was part of the routine, and they were all upset because now they couldn't sing to me. So we decided that i would be the last one, but i still got to go with them. So i held the roses they presented to a select few girls and heard these amazing boys sing songs of love to about 10 different girls.  My heart was overwhelmed with love for them and pride in the fact that they were making so many girls feel so special that night. When my turn came i literally almost cried.

So that was my story, and now to the point. Sorry for all the ushy, gushy stuff, but that used to be all that Valentines Day was about for me, well moreover, the lack of it in my life, but still, you get the idea.  Now Valentines Day means something ENTIRELY different thanks to a food fight, seven young men with guitars, my incredible friends here, and a long-stemmed red rose.

Valentines Day will no longer be a day of pain or sorrow for me. It will no longer be a day when i cry when i'm by myself and think, "why isn't it okay to be alone???" Now i realize that i am never alone. From now on Valentines Day is going to be a day of celebration for me. A day to honor each and every one of the incredible people that God has placed in my life. A day to give them my love, to thank them for being a piece of my life, and to continue to show them the greatest love of all, the love of Christ.



The days are winding down, and my heart is continuing to rip in to. It wants to stay here with this indescribable group of people i have shared the last seven months with, but at the same time it is ready to go home and see the people who have taught me how to love my whole life.

I take comfort in this: that the love i have for the people here is so strong that it will not let me forget my life and the things i have learned here. Here in Morelia they taught me about a different kind of love, and now it is time for me to go home and share this new love with the other people in my life.

29 days and i will be home. The love of the people here will always be with me, the love of people at home is pulling me there, and the love of Christ will get me through this time that is now before me.