Today is the third day of classes at NOE for me. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays i have one class in the morning and three in the evening, all four of these classes are kids in their second year of English. Then on Tuesdays and Thursdays i have 2 classes in the evening, one is primary English and the other is teaching the kids that are coming to portland next year about American culture. On Wednesdays i also help out with Exploradores, or the Mexican version of Kids Klub.
When i started teaching, i wasn't nervous at all. I have taught swim classes for years so teaching isn't new to me. However, in the classroom i felt very different. For every class, except the exchange group where Spanish is not allowed, i have to speak in Spanish at least part of the time. it is stretching me like crazy. I am worried that the kids won't respect me because they see me struggling in front of them. I pray that they will still respect me and desire to learn from me even when i make mistakes. I told them they could laugh at me when i make a mistake in Spanish, so they all enjoy that.
I also told them that they get to be my teachers as well, so they like the idea of that. I do too, i love to learn and i love to teach, so i love it even more when i can do both of those things at the same time!
It has been really cool to use my 10 minute walk to NOE as time for prayer for my classes, and then to feel God's presence in my classroom. Yesterday, the first time i taught the primary kids, i was scared to death!!! These kids have about the equivalent of a year's worth of English, so how can they understand me if i am only speaking in English??? but God provided. He allowed me to teach in Spanish and English, in Spanish with many words i did not know that i knew, and he also provided a girl in my class who is willing to help translate what i say to the rest of the kids.
My experiences here are showing me how much i LOVE teaching!!!! This is something i want to do for the rest of my life!!! There is NO doubt at all in my mind about that!!!
*Thank you for all the prayers about my family situation. Shortly after writing that last blog i had a 3-hour conversation with my family. We took turns expressing frustrations, reviewing rules, and letting them get to know me because before that they literally knew almost nothing about me. That conversation has made life here, since then, much easier for me. I pray that it will continue to get easier and that i will continue to become a part of this family.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Learning the Ropes the Hard Way
Learning new things is never easy and here in Morelia that is still true. I have officially been here almost 6 weeks and i am still learning new things every day about Mexican culture. Every day things shock or surprise me, i do something wrong, or try something different. And all of these have been quickly adding up to my realization about how far away from home i really am.
Last week i was given a verbal list from my family here about all the things i was doing wrong. All things that in the states are completely appropriate and part of my every day life, but here, they are causing tension in the home i am staying in. I had to quickly make a decision about how much i am going to adapt to this culture. With some words of wisdom from several people i came to this conclusion:
I am going to try to adapt to this CULTURE and the new things in it as much as possible. This will involve changing a lot of habits i have had for a long time. It is going to take a long time, because i have had most of these habits my entire life, but hopefully i will be able to adjust. HOWEVER, the ONLY reason i am changing who I AM is if God wants me to. HE will show me how he wants me to grow and develop as a person here, and he is the only person i am going to change who i am for. People here may want me to act a certain way, but if that's not who i am, then i'm not going to do it.
I will give you an example. One of the things that i am doing "wrong" here is keeping the door to my bedroom closed. My family feels like it is cutting me off from them, like i am living in my own little world instead of in theirs. I have 2 responses to this. 1) The family is rarely here, so my door IS open most of the time, they just never see it. and 2) the only time they are home, they are in their rooms doing homework (the mom is in school too) or on the computer outside my room doing homework. I keep my door closed then because i am constantly listening to music and don't want it to distract them.
Little misunderstandings like this are tearing me apart. I have been a people pleaser my entire life. I constantly strive my hardest to keep the people around me happy and to make sure they are proud of me. Here that has changed dramatically. The kids at NOE know me, because they see me working, having fun, and doing all kinds of things with them. But my family only sees me in my down time, when i'm not out with the kids. And they hold me to a standard that i can't always achieve because i don't know what is right and wrong here. God is showing me that my family's standards matter, and i should try to achieve them, but that HIS standards are what TRULY matter!!!
He is showing me that my work here is at NOE, with those kids, and impacting their lives. That i can't let the things happening at my house effect my work here. I am here to do HIS work for these incredible kids, to give them my heart and everything else i have for HIS glory, and that is what i need to be focusing on.
Things here are so different. Some of it i like, and some of it i hate, but all of it is my life right now, and i have to embrace it as best as i can.
Please be praying for me in these next few weeks that i can continue to adjust to the different way of life here and that the people i am around will be patient and realize that this is hard for me.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Teaching about Strength, sharing about God's, NOT my Own
Last night i had the privilege to teach the Bible study at NOE and a group of about 20 kids were crammed into 1 small classroom to hear me speak. When Juan asked me to share, 2 or 3 weeks ago, i had just finished writing my blog on strength. He told me to pray and ask God what i should share about. After a lot of prayer and reflection, i realized that i was supposed to teach about strength. In the last 2 months SO much has happened in my life dealing with strength, and so much of it had to do with my journey to them, that i felt it was what i HAD to share about.
God helped make the process very easy for me. i spent several days using concordances and searching through my Bible finding verses i had read about strength. i then looked for verses i could use that related to the story i was going to tell. I decided to share both about my sudden trip to the hospital 2 months ago and my flights here because those experiences forever changed my perspective on strength, and where my strength TRULY comes from.
As i was sharing i felt really encouraged, a lot of the kids laughed at my jokes, well they laughed when juan talked because he was translating for me, and they seemed to be listening really well when i was saying the stuff that mattered. Afterwards i got a great response!!!! Several people came up to me and told me how good it was and how much they enjoyed it. However, three people encouraged me very much:
*One person shared with me how she has a similar problem and whenever she hears stories about how other people deal with it, she is really encouraged.
*One person told me that he had a similar thing with his heart. A problem that at first the doctors weren't sure what it was. But he repeated something (in Spanish) that i had said in my lesson that almost brought me to tears. he said, "God has the strength and that's all that matters."
*And another person that really encouraged me is one of my close friends down here who told me that he had a similar scare like i did. He felt the same way i used to, that he was strong, and that his strength was his own, not God's. But he was mugged 2 months ago, and his view on strength changed dramatically. He said he was really encouraged by what i said and that made me really happy.
All in all the lesson went really well, i feel like God gave me the words to get the message across that he wanted. I'm so glad my story helped make an impact, but ALL the glory goes to God, because he gave me the words to speak, i was just opening and closing my mouth.
Please be praying for my continuing ministry here. Juan is going to do a Bible study based on the Driven life, and then at the end is going to teach all the kids how to drive (because it isn't as common for teenagers here.) After he finishes that i am going to be teaching a similar type lesson on our thirst for God and how water is used int he Bible. At the end i am going to teach the kids how to swim (because a LOT of them don't know how). Please be praying for us as we prepare for these lessons. Pray that the kids will enjoy it, that they will be open to it, and that not only the practical things, but the spiritual things in the lesson will change their lives forever.
God helped make the process very easy for me. i spent several days using concordances and searching through my Bible finding verses i had read about strength. i then looked for verses i could use that related to the story i was going to tell. I decided to share both about my sudden trip to the hospital 2 months ago and my flights here because those experiences forever changed my perspective on strength, and where my strength TRULY comes from.
As i was sharing i felt really encouraged, a lot of the kids laughed at my jokes, well they laughed when juan talked because he was translating for me, and they seemed to be listening really well when i was saying the stuff that mattered. Afterwards i got a great response!!!! Several people came up to me and told me how good it was and how much they enjoyed it. However, three people encouraged me very much:
*One person shared with me how she has a similar problem and whenever she hears stories about how other people deal with it, she is really encouraged.
*One person told me that he had a similar thing with his heart. A problem that at first the doctors weren't sure what it was. But he repeated something (in Spanish) that i had said in my lesson that almost brought me to tears. he said, "God has the strength and that's all that matters."
*And another person that really encouraged me is one of my close friends down here who told me that he had a similar scare like i did. He felt the same way i used to, that he was strong, and that his strength was his own, not God's. But he was mugged 2 months ago, and his view on strength changed dramatically. He said he was really encouraged by what i said and that made me really happy.
All in all the lesson went really well, i feel like God gave me the words to get the message across that he wanted. I'm so glad my story helped make an impact, but ALL the glory goes to God, because he gave me the words to speak, i was just opening and closing my mouth.
Please be praying for my continuing ministry here. Juan is going to do a Bible study based on the Driven life, and then at the end is going to teach all the kids how to drive (because it isn't as common for teenagers here.) After he finishes that i am going to be teaching a similar type lesson on our thirst for God and how water is used int he Bible. At the end i am going to teach the kids how to swim (because a LOT of them don't know how). Please be praying for us as we prepare for these lessons. Pray that the kids will enjoy it, that they will be open to it, and that not only the practical things, but the spiritual things in the lesson will change their lives forever.
Friday, September 2, 2011
NOE's Impact
I awoke this morning at 5:40 to the sound of people's excited voices. i was startled and disoriented until i remembered that i hadn't slept in my bedroom (so it wasn't weird that i was hearing about 100 voices). I realized that i was still in the van at NOE, where i had only gotten about 2 hours of sleep, but had been since 5 o'clock int he afternoon yesterday. Yes, for those who like mind puzzles, you figured it out, i spent the night at NOE.
When Luis/Brian Overcast got to NOE at 6 am he saw me and said, "wow, you stayed all night???" I said, "Si, por la experiencia." (Yes, for the experience.)
Let me explain. Today and Monday are the biggest days at NOE because it is registration for the year. In the past i have experienced registration for high school as waking up and getting ready at 6 am to stand in line when the doors opened at 7. The wait wasn't too long, i was with my friends, and the whole process was over by 9 am. This registration was ENTIRELY different!!!!!
I arrived at NOE at 12:15 yesterday to help finish cleaning out the classrooms. i saw a family sitting outside and thought nothing of it (it is very common because there is shade by NOE so families are often there in the afternoon.) However at 3:00 when Erick and i left, there were 5 families. That was a little weird. Erick turned to me and said, "they are waiting in line for registration." I said, "but registration is tomorrow, at 9 am!!!" And he said, "yes, but people want their spot, so they wait ad spend the night here in the ark and then get their numbers tomorrow morning." i was ASTONISHED!!! It was about 20 hours before registration and there were already 5 families waiting.
I went back at 5 with Erick to NOE to be briefed on the schedule for registration. They have it organized really well so that it only takes a family about 5 minutes to be completely registered for classes at NOE. I decided that i wanted to spend the night at NOE, to experience what these families go through to ensure that their children have a place there. When we went outside after the meeting at 6, there were now about 10 families. We hung out there for a while and i found out that several of my friends were going to spend the night too. Even though they were already guaranteed a spot because of their level of English, their younger siblings were not, so they came with them. I got my stuff from my house at 7:15 and then stayed at NOE.
We had a blast!!!!! I brought henna tattoos and had my laptop with me so the kids were enjoying my music. I also now have a fan, a little girl named Katzumi who is probably about 8 years old. She stared at me for about 2 hours and then finally got the courage to come up and talk to me while i was with Erick. She couldn't stop smiling because she was using broken English and i was using broken Spanish, but the communication went really well. She hung out with us, watched me give henna tattoos, and listened to em sing to the songs on my laptop, she wanted me to sing Selena Gomez, but i didn't have any, so i played a Justin Beiber song just for her.
The energy coming from our group was the only energy in the room. Most of the adults were sitting in chairs reading or talking quietly to each other. It was moving to see the commitment these people have to their children, and the hope for a better future for them. Some of our group left, and things started winding down around 2 am when we all went to the van. We spread out and listened to music for about another 2 hours because the lights were on in NOE so it was really hard to go to sleep. I kept looking out the window and seeing people falling asleep in their chairs. I imagined how uncomfortable they must be, because i was uncomfortable and i was sleeping in a van! That was at least carpeted!
Then at around 5:40 i was woken up by people getting excited. Luis/Brian comes at 6 so families were getting in order so they could receive their numbers. When Luis got there everyone was silent while he talked and explained the process. Everyone was given a number and the approximate time that number would be called. They were instructed to be there early though, or they may get skipped. The families all left and Luis took me home to get some much needed rest.
I wanted to go back this morning and watch the registration, but i woke up at 11:53 and it ended at 1 so i wasn't able to go. I was still happy though because i got to experience a big part of NOE that isn't often thought of. When Luis came to talk to the parents, one of the first things he said was that he appreciated their sacrifice. Sacrifice indeed!!! It is obvious that these families care a lot about their children. They want a bright future for them and they know that NOE can help provide that. NOE is making an impact and i am honored to be here and be a part of what God is doing though this INCREDIBLE ministry!!!
When Luis/Brian Overcast got to NOE at 6 am he saw me and said, "wow, you stayed all night???" I said, "Si, por la experiencia." (Yes, for the experience.)
Let me explain. Today and Monday are the biggest days at NOE because it is registration for the year. In the past i have experienced registration for high school as waking up and getting ready at 6 am to stand in line when the doors opened at 7. The wait wasn't too long, i was with my friends, and the whole process was over by 9 am. This registration was ENTIRELY different!!!!!
I arrived at NOE at 12:15 yesterday to help finish cleaning out the classrooms. i saw a family sitting outside and thought nothing of it (it is very common because there is shade by NOE so families are often there in the afternoon.) However at 3:00 when Erick and i left, there were 5 families. That was a little weird. Erick turned to me and said, "they are waiting in line for registration." I said, "but registration is tomorrow, at 9 am!!!" And he said, "yes, but people want their spot, so they wait ad spend the night here in the ark and then get their numbers tomorrow morning." i was ASTONISHED!!! It was about 20 hours before registration and there were already 5 families waiting.
I went back at 5 with Erick to NOE to be briefed on the schedule for registration. They have it organized really well so that it only takes a family about 5 minutes to be completely registered for classes at NOE. I decided that i wanted to spend the night at NOE, to experience what these families go through to ensure that their children have a place there. When we went outside after the meeting at 6, there were now about 10 families. We hung out there for a while and i found out that several of my friends were going to spend the night too. Even though they were already guaranteed a spot because of their level of English, their younger siblings were not, so they came with them. I got my stuff from my house at 7:15 and then stayed at NOE.
We had a blast!!!!! I brought henna tattoos and had my laptop with me so the kids were enjoying my music. I also now have a fan, a little girl named Katzumi who is probably about 8 years old. She stared at me for about 2 hours and then finally got the courage to come up and talk to me while i was with Erick. She couldn't stop smiling because she was using broken English and i was using broken Spanish, but the communication went really well. She hung out with us, watched me give henna tattoos, and listened to em sing to the songs on my laptop, she wanted me to sing Selena Gomez, but i didn't have any, so i played a Justin Beiber song just for her.
The energy coming from our group was the only energy in the room. Most of the adults were sitting in chairs reading or talking quietly to each other. It was moving to see the commitment these people have to their children, and the hope for a better future for them. Some of our group left, and things started winding down around 2 am when we all went to the van. We spread out and listened to music for about another 2 hours because the lights were on in NOE so it was really hard to go to sleep. I kept looking out the window and seeing people falling asleep in their chairs. I imagined how uncomfortable they must be, because i was uncomfortable and i was sleeping in a van! That was at least carpeted!
Then at around 5:40 i was woken up by people getting excited. Luis/Brian comes at 6 so families were getting in order so they could receive their numbers. When Luis got there everyone was silent while he talked and explained the process. Everyone was given a number and the approximate time that number would be called. They were instructed to be there early though, or they may get skipped. The families all left and Luis took me home to get some much needed rest.
I wanted to go back this morning and watch the registration, but i woke up at 11:53 and it ended at 1 so i wasn't able to go. I was still happy though because i got to experience a big part of NOE that isn't often thought of. When Luis came to talk to the parents, one of the first things he said was that he appreciated their sacrifice. Sacrifice indeed!!! It is obvious that these families care a lot about their children. They want a bright future for them and they know that NOE can help provide that. NOE is making an impact and i am honored to be here and be a part of what God is doing though this INCREDIBLE ministry!!!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Poco a Poco
This is a phrase that i learned out of necessity this week. It means bit by bit or little by little. When someone asks me how my Spanish is doing, i say in Spanish,"poco a poco." When someone asks if my stomach is feeling better i say, "poco a poco." And now that i am off my medication and reintroducing everyday Mexican food into my diet, when someone asks how much spice i am adding, i say, "poco a poco."
Everyone that knows me, knows that i am a go-getter! I like to get things done and move on to the next thing! At first that was what i was trying to do with my sickness. I was trying to push past it and do stuff even though it had me running to the bathroom about every hour and a half. However, my family here and at home became concerned, and by day 8 i found out both my mom in the states, and my mom here had talked to Brian Overcast about taking me to the doctor behind my back. Day 10 i finally gave in and went. The doctor was wonderful, spoke English, and had a sense of humor. He told me that what i had was a severe case of travelers sickness, and prescribed the same medication i took when i got sick in Nepal. However, i was on a very strict diet that made it almost impossible to eat here. Thank God my family was kind enough to make special food for me.
The last five days (the extent of the medication) have been quite a growing experience. It is a MAJOR test for self control, integrity, and the breaking of my will. I hate going out with the NOE kids and having to watch them eat their tacos while i slowly chew a piece of pineapple that they didn't want. Or drinking out of my warm water bottle while watching them sip an ice cold soda. The worst however, is smelling the spice in the food my family cooks for themselves, and knowing i can't have it.
God helped me through the whole thing though. He showed me that he can push me really far in the food department without making me crack. That will definitely come in handy by my 100th street taco!!!! God also taught me a big lesson about myself though, that sometimes i need to take things slowly, or poco a poco. It is going to be hard, but i realized that is a BIG part of being flexible, which is a necessity as an intern at NOE. I pray that God will continue to help me learn to take life poco a poco, and also that he will be merciful on my stomach today and the days that follow as i reintroduce it to the food here.
***I also have another prayer request. Juan has asked me to teach the Bible study at NOE next Monday. I have chose to teach on strength, and where our strength really comes from. As you read in my last blog it is something that i have struggled with for a long time, but now have a LOT of insight in. I ask that you pray that God will give me ways to get through to these kids and that the whole thing will go really well :)
Everyone that knows me, knows that i am a go-getter! I like to get things done and move on to the next thing! At first that was what i was trying to do with my sickness. I was trying to push past it and do stuff even though it had me running to the bathroom about every hour and a half. However, my family here and at home became concerned, and by day 8 i found out both my mom in the states, and my mom here had talked to Brian Overcast about taking me to the doctor behind my back. Day 10 i finally gave in and went. The doctor was wonderful, spoke English, and had a sense of humor. He told me that what i had was a severe case of travelers sickness, and prescribed the same medication i took when i got sick in Nepal. However, i was on a very strict diet that made it almost impossible to eat here. Thank God my family was kind enough to make special food for me.
The last five days (the extent of the medication) have been quite a growing experience. It is a MAJOR test for self control, integrity, and the breaking of my will. I hate going out with the NOE kids and having to watch them eat their tacos while i slowly chew a piece of pineapple that they didn't want. Or drinking out of my warm water bottle while watching them sip an ice cold soda. The worst however, is smelling the spice in the food my family cooks for themselves, and knowing i can't have it.
God helped me through the whole thing though. He showed me that he can push me really far in the food department without making me crack. That will definitely come in handy by my 100th street taco!!!! God also taught me a big lesson about myself though, that sometimes i need to take things slowly, or poco a poco. It is going to be hard, but i realized that is a BIG part of being flexible, which is a necessity as an intern at NOE. I pray that God will continue to help me learn to take life poco a poco, and also that he will be merciful on my stomach today and the days that follow as i reintroduce it to the food here.
***I also have another prayer request. Juan has asked me to teach the Bible study at NOE next Monday. I have chose to teach on strength, and where our strength really comes from. As you read in my last blog it is something that i have struggled with for a long time, but now have a LOT of insight in. I ask that you pray that God will give me ways to get through to these kids and that the whole thing will go really well :)
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Facing My Fears
"Take your position."
"Take my position."
"Face your fears."
"Face my fears."
"And hold your ground until the last POSSIBLE moment!"
This portion of dialogue is between my two favorite characters in one of my all-time favorite animated movies, Quest for Camelot. The first speaker is Garrett, a strong character, but he is blind and later his fear of that becomes obvious. He is teaching the other main character, Kaylee, how to get through an enchanted forrest with dangers around every corner. I may not be in an enchanted forrest, but here in Morelia, i need to learn to face my fears.
Today the director of NOE, Brian Overcast, came to talk to me about going to the doctor. After we had that conversation we went on to talk about how i can adapt better to the culture. We talked about sleeping, what time i got to bed and what time i wake up; that will continue to change as i continue to get used to the time here. We talked about eating, even though that is a sensitive subject right now because i'm sick. Then we talked about the thing i have been DREADING!!! Going places by myself. Walking from one place to another without an escort, just me, myself, and i, walking down the streets of Morelia.
My face immediately changed when he said this. But then he said something to me that gave me a challenge that i cannot refuse. He said that even though i am 18, he heard that i was really mature for my age, and therefore here i am not going to be babied, i am going to be treated like an adult. That is what i want here. I don't want to be treated like some spoiled, "rich" girl from the states who needs help with everything, i want to be treated like a woman who is here to do work for the Glory of God.
I hadn't realized until that moment, how genuinely scared i was to go somewhere alone here. I mean i have said it to people here, because i am always asking someone to come get me, but until that moment, it hadn't really hit me that the fear was so deep within my heart. I wasn't initially scared. I knew that this is what God wanted me to do, and therefore i had no fear, but sadly, since getting here, that confidence has slowly escaped my body. It hasn't helped that a lot of people at home, jokingly, tell me not to get shot or kidnapped here. It does happen and every time i walk down the street, it seems like those scenarios become more and more real in my head.
That is the position i am in. I have taken it and was ready to spend my 6 months in Morelia never going anywhere by myself. Being consumed by the fear that my blonde hair and fair skin would make me too much of a target for it to be "safe" for me to go anywhere alone.
But God showed me today, that i can't do that. With fear in my heart, i cannot do the work that He has sent me here to do, for Him!!! 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear." I desire a perfect love for these people. I love them with all of my heart and hope that with God's help, that can continue to grow into a love that somehow resembles the perfect love he had for us, the love he showed when he died on a cross for all our sins. But in order to have that kind of love, i cannot have fear. My love for these kids, and my desire to be with them will help drive out the fear in my heart of going anywhere alone in Morelia.
Therefore i am facing my fears. It will be baby steps, starting with a walk to the store, then across the big freeway to someone's house, or NOE, but the process is going to begin. The fear is leaving my body, my heart, and my soul because i know God is with me here. I am never walking down the streets alone, he is surrounding me, at my right hand, and his angels are watching over me. "For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. you will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. "Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; i will protect him, for he acknowledges my name." Psalm 91: 11-14.
Yes it will still be scary, or tense at times, but God will help me continue to lose this fear as my trust in him strengthens with every time i leave the house. I will learn to hold my ground until the last possible moment, because i have the ultimate protector by my side. "The lord is with me, i will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Psalm 118:6.
"Take my position."
"Face your fears."
"Face my fears."
"And hold your ground until the last POSSIBLE moment!"
This portion of dialogue is between my two favorite characters in one of my all-time favorite animated movies, Quest for Camelot. The first speaker is Garrett, a strong character, but he is blind and later his fear of that becomes obvious. He is teaching the other main character, Kaylee, how to get through an enchanted forrest with dangers around every corner. I may not be in an enchanted forrest, but here in Morelia, i need to learn to face my fears.
Today the director of NOE, Brian Overcast, came to talk to me about going to the doctor. After we had that conversation we went on to talk about how i can adapt better to the culture. We talked about sleeping, what time i got to bed and what time i wake up; that will continue to change as i continue to get used to the time here. We talked about eating, even though that is a sensitive subject right now because i'm sick. Then we talked about the thing i have been DREADING!!! Going places by myself. Walking from one place to another without an escort, just me, myself, and i, walking down the streets of Morelia.
My face immediately changed when he said this. But then he said something to me that gave me a challenge that i cannot refuse. He said that even though i am 18, he heard that i was really mature for my age, and therefore here i am not going to be babied, i am going to be treated like an adult. That is what i want here. I don't want to be treated like some spoiled, "rich" girl from the states who needs help with everything, i want to be treated like a woman who is here to do work for the Glory of God.
I hadn't realized until that moment, how genuinely scared i was to go somewhere alone here. I mean i have said it to people here, because i am always asking someone to come get me, but until that moment, it hadn't really hit me that the fear was so deep within my heart. I wasn't initially scared. I knew that this is what God wanted me to do, and therefore i had no fear, but sadly, since getting here, that confidence has slowly escaped my body. It hasn't helped that a lot of people at home, jokingly, tell me not to get shot or kidnapped here. It does happen and every time i walk down the street, it seems like those scenarios become more and more real in my head.
That is the position i am in. I have taken it and was ready to spend my 6 months in Morelia never going anywhere by myself. Being consumed by the fear that my blonde hair and fair skin would make me too much of a target for it to be "safe" for me to go anywhere alone.
But God showed me today, that i can't do that. With fear in my heart, i cannot do the work that He has sent me here to do, for Him!!! 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear." I desire a perfect love for these people. I love them with all of my heart and hope that with God's help, that can continue to grow into a love that somehow resembles the perfect love he had for us, the love he showed when he died on a cross for all our sins. But in order to have that kind of love, i cannot have fear. My love for these kids, and my desire to be with them will help drive out the fear in my heart of going anywhere alone in Morelia.
Therefore i am facing my fears. It will be baby steps, starting with a walk to the store, then across the big freeway to someone's house, or NOE, but the process is going to begin. The fear is leaving my body, my heart, and my soul because i know God is with me here. I am never walking down the streets alone, he is surrounding me, at my right hand, and his angels are watching over me. "For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. you will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. "Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; i will protect him, for he acknowledges my name." Psalm 91: 11-14.
Yes it will still be scary, or tense at times, but God will help me continue to lose this fear as my trust in him strengthens with every time i leave the house. I will learn to hold my ground until the last possible moment, because i have the ultimate protector by my side. "The lord is with me, i will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Psalm 118:6.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
The Struggle for Strength
I have always been stubborn, especially when it comes to being sick. I always say, "i'm not sick! I can do this or i can do that!" It's when i admit defeat that you know i am really sick. That is the way i am here in Mexico now. I am being stubborn, struggling not to accept the defeat that my body is telling me i must.
I have been stubborn in a similar way with God my entire life. I always try to do everything on my own because i am strong, i like to believe that i can do it without him. 2 years ago when i was overseas in Nepal, my team leader talked about verses in the Bible saying that God is strong in our weakness. This concept disturbed me. I had gone my whole life being the strong one, but now in order for God to be strong in my life i had to be weak??? I pleaded with God saying, "there must be another way. Can't i be strong too?" But he showed me in a very powerful way that HE was the one who was supposed to be strong. A little bit of cow manure from a field i was playing soccer in was kicked into my mouth. Within 2 hours i was in a bathroom pleading with God to help me. I was the weakest i have ever felt in my entire life.
God taught me so much in the few days i was in bed where all i could do was read my Bible, pray, and think. He taught me that being strong is a good thing, but that i can NEVER mistake His strength for my own. After those few days i had a much better understanding of what it meant to be weak in order for God to be strong. Here in Mexico i am feeling that same sensation.
My body is not reacting well to the food here. I am constantly in pain and constantly in the bathroom. I try to eat as bland of a diet as possible, but there are only limited amounts of bland food here where chile peppers are as common in a market as any other food.
But God is good and he is teaching me a lot through this experience. He is showing me that HIS power is ALL that matters!!! Last night was really bad. i was sick at midnight and while i tried to sleep my stomach decided to perform a contortionist routine, i finally fell asleep around 1:30 am. I awoke at 8 to pain, a severe need of the bathroom, and the severe desire not to do anything today. But i had promised the kids that i would go play basketball with them. I prayed and asked God to give me the strength to be able to go with them, and after almost an entire morning in the bathroom, when they came to get me, i felt well enough to go! God showered his grace on me and allowed me to be away from home for almost 3 hours without feeling sick!!!! When i wanted to use the bathroom before we left the place, there was no toilet paper, therefore i had to wait until we got back to my house. But God was good :)
At first last night i felt humiliated by what was happening in my body. I was angry at God and asked, "did you just bring me here to be in the bathroom???" But i am realizing that this is all just a part of the journey. No one said this was going to be easy!!! And while yes, it does suck, God is helping me get through it.
Every day, every hour, is a battle for me. A battle with my stomach, and a struggle for strength to push through whatever pain i am in. But i take heart in this:
GOD IS OUR REFUGE AND OUR STRENGTH, AN EVER-PRESENT HELP IN TROUBLE.
Psalm 46:1
I have been stubborn in a similar way with God my entire life. I always try to do everything on my own because i am strong, i like to believe that i can do it without him. 2 years ago when i was overseas in Nepal, my team leader talked about verses in the Bible saying that God is strong in our weakness. This concept disturbed me. I had gone my whole life being the strong one, but now in order for God to be strong in my life i had to be weak??? I pleaded with God saying, "there must be another way. Can't i be strong too?" But he showed me in a very powerful way that HE was the one who was supposed to be strong. A little bit of cow manure from a field i was playing soccer in was kicked into my mouth. Within 2 hours i was in a bathroom pleading with God to help me. I was the weakest i have ever felt in my entire life.
God taught me so much in the few days i was in bed where all i could do was read my Bible, pray, and think. He taught me that being strong is a good thing, but that i can NEVER mistake His strength for my own. After those few days i had a much better understanding of what it meant to be weak in order for God to be strong. Here in Mexico i am feeling that same sensation.
My body is not reacting well to the food here. I am constantly in pain and constantly in the bathroom. I try to eat as bland of a diet as possible, but there are only limited amounts of bland food here where chile peppers are as common in a market as any other food.
But God is good and he is teaching me a lot through this experience. He is showing me that HIS power is ALL that matters!!! Last night was really bad. i was sick at midnight and while i tried to sleep my stomach decided to perform a contortionist routine, i finally fell asleep around 1:30 am. I awoke at 8 to pain, a severe need of the bathroom, and the severe desire not to do anything today. But i had promised the kids that i would go play basketball with them. I prayed and asked God to give me the strength to be able to go with them, and after almost an entire morning in the bathroom, when they came to get me, i felt well enough to go! God showered his grace on me and allowed me to be away from home for almost 3 hours without feeling sick!!!! When i wanted to use the bathroom before we left the place, there was no toilet paper, therefore i had to wait until we got back to my house. But God was good :)
At first last night i felt humiliated by what was happening in my body. I was angry at God and asked, "did you just bring me here to be in the bathroom???" But i am realizing that this is all just a part of the journey. No one said this was going to be easy!!! And while yes, it does suck, God is helping me get through it.
Every day, every hour, is a battle for me. A battle with my stomach, and a struggle for strength to push through whatever pain i am in. But i take heart in this:
GOD IS OUR REFUGE AND OUR STRENGTH, AN EVER-PRESENT HELP IN TROUBLE.
Psalm 46:1
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)