I have always been stubborn, especially when it comes to being sick. I always say, "i'm not sick! I can do this or i can do that!" It's when i admit defeat that you know i am really sick. That is the way i am here in Mexico now. I am being stubborn, struggling not to accept the defeat that my body is telling me i must.
I have been stubborn in a similar way with God my entire life. I always try to do everything on my own because i am strong, i like to believe that i can do it without him. 2 years ago when i was overseas in Nepal, my team leader talked about verses in the Bible saying that God is strong in our weakness. This concept disturbed me. I had gone my whole life being the strong one, but now in order for God to be strong in my life i had to be weak??? I pleaded with God saying, "there must be another way. Can't i be strong too?" But he showed me in a very powerful way that HE was the one who was supposed to be strong. A little bit of cow manure from a field i was playing soccer in was kicked into my mouth. Within 2 hours i was in a bathroom pleading with God to help me. I was the weakest i have ever felt in my entire life.
God taught me so much in the few days i was in bed where all i could do was read my Bible, pray, and think. He taught me that being strong is a good thing, but that i can NEVER mistake His strength for my own. After those few days i had a much better understanding of what it meant to be weak in order for God to be strong. Here in Mexico i am feeling that same sensation.
My body is not reacting well to the food here. I am constantly in pain and constantly in the bathroom. I try to eat as bland of a diet as possible, but there are only limited amounts of bland food here where chile peppers are as common in a market as any other food.
But God is good and he is teaching me a lot through this experience. He is showing me that HIS power is ALL that matters!!! Last night was really bad. i was sick at midnight and while i tried to sleep my stomach decided to perform a contortionist routine, i finally fell asleep around 1:30 am. I awoke at 8 to pain, a severe need of the bathroom, and the severe desire not to do anything today. But i had promised the kids that i would go play basketball with them. I prayed and asked God to give me the strength to be able to go with them, and after almost an entire morning in the bathroom, when they came to get me, i felt well enough to go! God showered his grace on me and allowed me to be away from home for almost 3 hours without feeling sick!!!! When i wanted to use the bathroom before we left the place, there was no toilet paper, therefore i had to wait until we got back to my house. But God was good :)
At first last night i felt humiliated by what was happening in my body. I was angry at God and asked, "did you just bring me here to be in the bathroom???" But i am realizing that this is all just a part of the journey. No one said this was going to be easy!!! And while yes, it does suck, God is helping me get through it.
Every day, every hour, is a battle for me. A battle with my stomach, and a struggle for strength to push through whatever pain i am in. But i take heart in this:
GOD IS OUR REFUGE AND OUR STRENGTH, AN EVER-PRESENT HELP IN TROUBLE.
Psalm 46:1
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